cafe press fuck it up

---

From: Nick Buick
Sent: Friday, 9 April 2010 6:14 PM
To: 'orderconfirm@cafepress.com'; 'info@cafepress.com'
Cc: 'david@27bslash6.com'
Subject: RE: 27bslash6 Online Store Order Confirmation

Dear Cafe Press,

As per my order confirmation below, you will note I recently ordered an edgy white Tabitha T-shirt with a chick (that would be Tabitha) giving the finger. I checked the mail today, with baited breath and let out an involuntary squeal of joy when I saw the package arrive. My excitement turned to deep inconsolable sadness, however, as I opened the package and discovered you had, instead, posted me this rather dubious grey shirt that says "Team Edward" on it in pink cursive lettering. I have no idea who Edward is, but if the prerequisite for becoming a member of his team consists of donning grey v-necks with pink lettering, I can say with some confidence that I want no part of it.

I could probably let it slide if the lettering were in Helvetica Neue or some similar post-modernist type-face - Avenir, even Trebuchet... but it's like... Brush Script... Order number is 29572728 which is totally different to the item number below. You must have put the wrong orders in the wrong bags, easy mistake to make - one time when I was smoking crystal meth at work, I built an entire website in Portuguese… and I don’t even speak Portuguese, so don't be too hard on yourself. The real problem is there's now some member of Edward’s team somewhere asking himself who the hell Tabitha is… and his buddies denying him access to the Team Edward glory hole because he doesn’t have the correct shirt. But he’s of no concern to me. I just want my Tabitha shirt please.

Can you please send me the correct shirt? Please let me know if you require anything further - thanks in advance.

Nick Buick

---

From: orderconfirm@cafepress.com [mailto:orderconfirm@cafepress.com]
Sent: Monday, 29 March 2010 11:25 AM
To: nick buick
Subject: 27bslash6 Online Store Order Confirmation

	Dear Nick Buick: Your order number is XXXX We're now preparing to hand-print your personalized gear. Once the order ships, we'll send you a separate email with tracking information. We'll be shipping it here: Name: XXXXX Address 1: Hendra Brisbane, Queensland 4011 Phone: XXXXX Email: Your package should arrive by: Monday 4/12/10 - Monday 4/19/10 CafePress is not responsible for delays of your order due to any customs clearance in the destination country. Here's what we're making for you: Items: 1 - Tabitha T-Shirt/030-346006259 Color: White Size: Medium Subtotal: AUD $30.50 Sales Tax: Shipping: AUD $7.00 Total: AUD $37.50 Enjoy Your Self-Expression The CafePress Team http://www.cafepress.com Please note: - Large orders (100 or more items) may take longer than estimated to process and deliver - Orders with multiple items may ship in separate packages - For other possible shipping exceptions (and more shipping details), visit our online help at http://www.cafepress.com/help Thank you for shopping at 27bslash6 Online Store. http://www.cafepress.com/27bslash6
This is automated email, and we cannot process replies. If you have questions about your order visit our Help Center or Contact Us

Web Development

From: sam@websolutionstoday.com [mailto:sam@websolutionstoday.com]
Sent: Wednesday, 20 January 2010 5:23 PM
To: Nick Buick
Subject: WEB Development

Hi,

I am Sam, Manager – Online Marketing

To introduce, we are an Indian Web Design and Development firm and have over 6 years of experience. We have been partnering various digital agencies all over US, UK, Australia and Europe.

As you offer Web Design and Development Services to your clients may I propose an association between the two firms. In these tough times, where it is hard to maintain the top line, we can help share the bottom-line for you.

Our Primary Services includes:

• Web Design and Development
• SEO
• Ecommerce
• Web Copywriting
• Flash Designs
• Adwords

Do let me know if you are interested and I would be happy to share our Methodologies, past work details and client Testimonials.

I look forward to your mail.

Kinds Regards,
Sam
Marketing Manager
E-Mail: sam@websolutionstoday.com


From: Nick Buick
Sent: Thursday, 21 January 2010 9:16 AM
To: 'sam@websolutionstoday.com'
Subject: RE: WEB Development

Hey "Sam",

Thanks so much for contacting us. That's amazing that you guys specialise in Web Development. As a matter of fact, so do we! Small world isn't it?

Now, excuse my ignorance "Sam", but I'm a curious, why exactly are you contacting a web development company, offering services in web development? I'd hate to reveal any of my trade-secrets, but I find when *I* offer web development services to companies, I have more success with companies who aren't, themselves, web developers. I know, it sounds crazy, but it actually works. You should give it a go some time.

I’m also a little curious: don't you think it's rather arrogant as a citizen of an impoverished, 3rd-world toilet such as India, to be contacting educated, successful, 1st-world businesses offering to do their job for them? I mean, I wouldn't dream of calling your people up and offering to build call-centres, curry cooking classes, 7-11s. But perhaps I'm just more open-minded and culturally sensitive than you?

I was particularly impressed with your kind offer to allow us to "share our bottom line" with you. I'm not sure if you've ever studied business, “Sam”, but I believe the general objective is to maximize as much bottom line as possible - sharing the bottom line isn't typically smiled upon in capitalist circles. I read somewhere that India is one of the poorest countries on earth - with business strategies like yours “Sam”, it's little wonder.

I hope I've helped clarify a few things for you to get you on your way... remember, companies that *DONT* offer web development themselves, generally, offer greater demand, and NO ONE likes to share their bottom line. Particularly not with strangers who spam them from third-world countries.

All the best to you "Sam", have a great day, and remember, don't drink the water!

Kind Regards

Nick Buick
Web Developer

More Tenants Ask Nick

-----Original Message-----
From: Lauren
Sent: Thursday, 31 December 2009 1:10 AM
Subject: Rent Australia Web Site Query

name : Lauren
comment : Hi I was wondering if you can advise what happens if the real estate never competed their part of the entry inspection? We filled in out part but they never did their part at all. We are worried they are going to try and blame us for things as the house is quite old. There was also a few things that we missed in the entry inspection because we didn't have theirs to go off

eg behind a door some of the skirting boards are chipped. If you can please assist with this they would help very much.

Regards

Referer Page: http://www.rentaustralia.com.au/content/fetchFiles/contact+Us/contactUs.htm/365/

-----Original Message-----
From: Nick Buick
Sent: Thursday, 31 December 2009 9:48 AM
Subject: RE: Rent Australia Web Site Query

Certainly happy to help you with free legal advice, Lauren, as a web developer its what I was trained to do :).

Basically what happens, according to the Residential Tenancy Act of 1992, is that it is always the tenant's responsibility to have this form fully and correctly completed. Any failure of either party to complete the form results in automatic forfeit of all bond monies.

Further to this, the agent may, at their discretion, choose to add you to the nation-wide "tenant didn't ensure agent completed entry condition report" blacklist which keeps track of all tenants who failed to ensure their agent completed an entry condition report.

This data is regularly exchanged with local and federal law enforcement and tenants can often find themselves on ASIO watch lists with white vans parked in front of their houses for weeks, even years on end, as a result of this simple mistake. It's not uncommon for tenants to be subjected to renditions where they are kidnapped by federal intelligence agencies bound, gagged and transported in secret to countries such as Egypt where they are imprisoned indefinitely and subjected to unspeakable torture such as water boarding and the dreaded 'jumper-leads-of-torment'.

My best advice to you is to trawl the births-deaths-and-marriages archives for a deceased person of roughly the same age as yourself, steal their identity and use it to start a new life for yourself.

Alternatively, you may wish to seek professional legal advice from a qualified lawyer, rather than contacting a website development company with legal questions.

Good luck with your new life, Lauren.

Kind Regards,
Nick Buick

From: Paul Brennan
Sent: Wednesday, 6 January 2010 1:55 PM
To: nick
Cc: b.cooper; 'Terry Cooper'
Subject: Website

Hi Nick

This website is absolutely atrocious,

It’s a disgraceful CMS system that offers nothing for the 4k.

I have someone who knows what to do and they told me that we won't be allowed to use it as its custom made by refreshweb.

Do you own the rights to the CMS, Have you just sold us a bad product that plugs into a website.

We will like our money back for this product but we don’t mind paying for the hosting of the website up until this time!

Please contact Ben Cooper ASAP to finalise balance owed to us or we will take matters further as get our legal team involved!


Paul Brennan - Fitness Director

From: Nick Buick
Sent: Wednesday, 6 January 2010 3:33 PM
To: 'Paul Brennan'
Cc: 'b.cooper'; 'Terry Cooper'
Subject: RE: Website

Hi Paul,

RE: ****.com.au

Thank you for your email, I can appreciate as a fitness instructor your advanced knowledge in the field of website development must be both credulous and considerable. I should imagine it would make a pleasant and stimulating substitute to your vocation of doing star-jumps all day. Unfortunately, unlike fitness training, the topic of website development does hold a distinct disadvantage to you in that on-the-whole, it lacks books with pictures. Perhaps this is the root of your confusion?

When I deal with organisations I've never even personally spoken to before, who've undertaken quoted and approved work, and followed an exact scope of said work which has then been fully reviewed and approved by my superiors, I tend to avoid citing ambiguous advice provided from 'someone who knows what to do' and vague threats of groundless 'legal action' as basis for a totally random refund. I find that approach would tend to make me look like an idiot, but then, I don't wear spandex pants and run on the spot for a living.

I should point out that prior to launch, the site was fully tested in Internet Explorer 7.0 and Mozilla 3.0 and reviewed with your organisation and any issues identified and fixed, so if there are further issues, it is news to me. Despite being fully approved by your superiors, if there are any glitches, let me know and I'll see if our system is responsible for these and is so, fix them for you right away, despite exceeding the original review process for the project, I would hate to have your organisation feel unhappy with their finished product.

If you have problems, please let me know what these are so we can actually fix them - this may be a more constructive path forward than ranting idiotically about what your friend told you. I look forward to receiving more sparkling repartee from you soon, and thank you for your time, Paul, it’s been most enlightening.

Kind Regards

Nick Buick
Web Developer

nick@REFRESHWEB.com.au
TEL: +61 7 3868 4047
MOB: +61 4 0776 9944 (emergency tech support - 24hrs)

FAX: +61 7 3868 4042

Thanks Dad

Having been kind enough to purchase some building materials on his trade account, my father recently handed me this cryptic peice of paper indicating the amount of the transaction. Foolishly, I anticipated the number at the bottom of the page to be the total, rather than the number in the middle of the page.

----- Original Message -----
From: Nick Buick
To: DBuick
Sent: Wednesday, December 02, 2009 2:15 PM

Hey guys, I just put in the number at the bottom of this sheet of paper but upon looking more closely it appears that these random numbers have nothing to do what the amount I actually owe you. Up the top it says $492 is the total - I think you may have just jotted some other numbers on the paper at the bottom. If $492 is correct can you please send me back the remaining $228 please? Thanks.

Kind Regards

Nick Buick

________________________________

From: dbuick
Sent: Thursday, 3 December 2009 11:55 AM
To: Nick Buick
Subject: Re:

Vick the correct number is $492 Treated pine $388 Dynabolts $74 Gal nails $ $30 Total $492.

Love Dad.

________________________________

From: Nick Buick
Sent: Thursday, 3 December 2009 12:03 PM
To: 'dbuick'; 'Deb Buick'
Subject: RE:

Hey Dad,

I assume you have now started referring to me as Vick for some reason. Perhaps in honour of the man with glasses who used to manage the Corner Store: Bay-Boats, when I was a child. He was a nice man, sometimes he'd let me fish boiled lollies from his trousers.

Thank you for clarifying the cost of $492, however I've already transferred a total of $720 to you due to the decoy numbers strategically scribbled on the paper you gave me ;). Is it possible to please refund me the remaining $228?

Thanks Dad :)

Love Vick

Tenants Ask Nick

Despite being a professional website developer, therefore having entirely no legal training whatsoever, and in addition to carrying a gigantic disclaimer on our Contact Us Page stating we cannot help with legal questions, tenants around Australia contact me almost daily seeking free legal advice on the rent related dilemas that they find themselves in.

Rather than simply reiterating the message that is already on the contact form that I cannot help them, I have instead taken to entertaining myself at their expense as a form of compensation for inflicting their stupidity onto me.

-----Original Message-----
From: kayla wilson
Sent: Thursday, 3 December 2009 7:06 AM
Subject: Rent Australia Web Site Query

name : kayla wilson

comment : comments can my landord not provide me with a telephone service? if there is a fault with the telephone line external and internal do i have to pay to have the problem fixed with my telephone provider?

Referer Page: http://www.rentaustralia.com.au/content/fetchFiles/contact+Us/contactUs.htm/365/

-----Original Message-----
From: Nick Buick
Sent: Thursday, 3 December 2009 10:27 AM
To: kayla wilson
Subject: RE: Rent Australia Web Site Query

Dear Ms Wilson,

Thank you for your email to us.

I'm pleased to report to you that the answer is no, in no state or territory in Australia may your Land Lord legally rent a house to you without providing a telephone service. In fact, recent changes to the Tenancy Act Legislation of 1982 now require all land lords to provide you with not just a telephone service, but also high-speed internet as part of tenancy agreement. If high-speed internet is not available in your area, the landlord must dress naked and perform the chicken dance in your front yard while you pelt him with copies of the Ron Fricke film Baraka on VHS for 48 hours continually as punishment for being such a poor land lord as to rent a property in an area that doesn't carry high-speed internet or a phone service.

I trust this quenches your thirst for knowledge, if I can be of any further assistance to you, freely spending my days answering your legal questions despite having no legal training whatsoever, please don't hesitate to ask.

Kind Regards,
Nick Buick

My Dishwasher

Dear Technika,

I own a Technika Dishwasher which I have found to be an excellent appliance – always getting my dishes exceptionally clean. Unfortunately, having exceeded the 3 year warranty period by several seconds, my Technika dishwasher’s PC Board has arbitrarily failed and now requires total replacement. As is to be expected with all recurring revenue drivers, the cost of replacement for this small component is roughly the equivalent of an entire new dishwasher. I am therefore writing to enquire as to the feasibility of your new dishwashers, namely, do you offer extended 5 year warranty; and if I choose to take up this option, what is the average turn-around time for your distributors to remove the 3-year warranty PC-Board and replace it with a PC-Board pre-programmed to burn out after exactly 5 years thereby ensuring my continued business? And finally, is there any added cost for this additional service?

If you could please provide me with answers to the above questions it will help me evaluate whether to opt for a dishwasher that will burn out after exactly 3 more years, or if I should pay the extra money for a unit that will burn out after exactly 5 years.

Thank you for your attention to this matter,

Kind Regards,

Nick Buick